some weeks just make your head wanna explode.

You know how it is when things that should be simple wind up growing up to be problems, and then children of problems, and then problem-clans? They start as a spark and end a conflagration, start as a single point of data and fan out into a cone of ill-logic?

No?

Maybe it's just me.

In any case, that is the week I've had, on the heels of the month I've had, and there's the year, 1/3 gone and a foul, swampy road it's been.

I think I had an entry here but as usual, my thoughts scatter like roaches when a light's turned on; fuck it, I think it's time for sake bombs.

I could stand the sight of worms
And look at microscopic germs
But technicolor pachyderms
Is really much for me
I am not the type to faint
When things are odd or things
are quaint
But seeing things you know that ain't
Can certainly give you an awful fright!
What a sight!
Chase 'em away!
Chase 'em away!
I'm afraid need your aid
Pink elephants on parade!
Pink elephants!
Pink elephants!

There's a brilliant remix of Sun Ra's version of that song, mashed-up with the original Disney video - BoingBoinged here.

This story has very little to do with Pink Elephants, Sun Ra, Disney, or the DTs. But you'll see in a moment how it all connects.

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I'm looking at my hit logs - as usual. And I see it a hit from Porto, Portugal.

And suddenly I'm sitting here absolutely salivating for a glass of port. I would kill a man right now for a vintage tawny.

Good lord, I'm so suggestible.

Must.

Have.

Port.

Ok, so I've talked about the whole referrals in the logs thing. I get all sorts of useful info about who's reading (Hello out there! Yeah, you! I see you!), where I'm getting hits from (how'd I get on Sam Burns random blogroll, and how can I get her in bed?), and all sorts of random searches on skulls and tattoos and pirates and martinis and taco flavored kisses.

But I just got a hit from someone looking for a recipe for 'dirty margaritas'.

Now, I don't think that's even a real drink, I think that was a confused user. But all I can think is, ick.

I'm trying to find a way to make that sound like a good drink, or to make it something dirty about a nasty little seniorita. But it's not working. All I get is, tequila, lime, cointreau, and olive brine. Hell, that might even be good, but it sounds vile.

On the other hand, I'm now thinking, in this order:

1. Mmmm, tequila
2. Mmmm, nasty little seniorita

But that's not really a surprise, is it?

No, I'm not gonna roast a fucking pig. I keep thinking I should try it, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather just drink.

I'm throwing a luau today, for my daughter's 7th birthday; mai tais, hawaiian food (vaguely hawaiian, anyway), hawaiian music around the pool.

My goal for the day - don't kill anyone. Because, you know, it could happen. Rum makes a man crazy, sometimes. And almost without exception, I'm armed with sharp, pointy things.

     "it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels." -- Elizabeth Swann

It's true, and I must say, any ladies of age who choose to show up in bikinis had better watch out. There's no question, no question at all, that I'm feeling my inner scoundrel today; and that's just the coffee so far. When we add ol' demon Rum to the mix, watch out.

I'm in the mood to fucking drink.

I'm in the mood to get fall-down, piss-stinking, bar-fighting, crazy-talking, fuck-anything-that-moves drunk.

This kind of drunk, it has to be, has to be tequila.

There's a magic about tequila. I don't mean a fairies and sunshine, glinda-the-good-witch sort of magic. No, this is a bad-juju-bart-no-like magic. This is a dark-fire-in-the-skull magic.

The old joke goes there's a reason they call it 'ta kill ya.

Tequila isn't a beverage. Fuck people who serve it in snifters and pretend it's cognac. Tequila is a drug. Tequila is meant to be shot, gulped, slammed, pounded. Sucked from a bottle, or if you're really, really lucky, from a beautiful woman's mouth. It's not for fucking sipping. You want to taste it more? Drink more.

I don't particularly like expensive, super-high-end tequila. Fact is, I'd rather drink a good blanco than a great anejo. The anejo tastes good, sure, but tequila needs to bite. Tequila needs to hurt you when it goes down.

You know what I hate? When people call the lime and salt training wheels. The lime and salt is ritual. It's part of the process, like rolling a joint or cutting out a line or prepping a shot. And it tastes good, dammit. It's flavor compliment; it's not to cover the taste, it's to enhance it, like seasoning on a steak. I don't care how good that steak is, without salt and pepper, it's just flesh. With the seasonings, it's cuisine.

Give me a shot, make it two, make it three, and quickly, fucking quickly.

Alas.

I'm off to meet a friend for dinner, and you know, I must be a grownup. It's tuesday, and I have to work tomorrow, and so does he, and I'll have a twenty-five mile drive home after I drop him at his hotel. So this isn't the night for fighting and fucking some stranger. We'll have a few, I'm certain, but...

Sometimes it sucks being a grown-up.

Raincheck on that, ok? I need that tequila drunk. I haven't been good and pissed since St. Patrick's day, and that was on on Irish. I'm still needing that tequila drunk, and soon.

Quotes on Drinking from http://cocktails.about.com:

"When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have the second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me." William Faulkner

"One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough." James Thurber

"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen

"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". Joe E. Lewis

"Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; The best of life is but intoxication." Lord Byron

"One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough." Edward Burke

"The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful, and a snootful at the same time?" Gerald R. Ford

I love me some martini quotes.

"I like to have a martini,
two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host"

--Dorothy Parker

I have the feeling I would have liked to party with Ms. Parker.

What is it about a martini?

Tequila's a drug. Scotch is an obsession. Bourbon's a statement. Vodka is for when you don't really like booze.

A martini is a lifestyle.