First Midterm

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

(Nickelback)

***

Whew. I just took an online midterm. Damn but it was difficult. I barely scraped by with a 91.

See, it was timed, and once you answer a question, you can't go back and change it. (Much like freaking life, actually...)

The whole time, as the seconds visibly clicked by, all I could think was that I so, so, so wanted to impress my teacher and if I didn't do well I'd feel all terrible and stuff...

I think we can all see part of the problem.

It's just... I've spoken to her twice on the phone, for like, hours, and she said stuff like she believes I'm a kindred soul and how she has a feeling that I'm going to soon do something amazing with my life, that I'm on the verge of some huge accomplishment, and that I'd be an excellent teacher, and that although she normally doesn't speak to her students like this, she's very empathetic and talking to me makes the hairs stand up on the back of her neck...blah blah blah.

See?

And the whole time I'm listening to her, the whole time she's saying really wonderful stuff about me, stuff I mostly kind of believe as well, in my head to her I'm all, 'Don't say it. Don't think it. Don't say this kind of stuff to me...'

I'm not sure why that was going through my head.

What kind of pathology is it when you always, invariably think you're somehow tricking people? Like... I can't explain it.

The whole time on the phone in my head I was mentally admonishing her, 'Don't like me. Don't be nice. Knock it off right now!'

What is that?

I'm not sure.

***

Sometimes I worry that I'm using my brains in the same way I used to use my body.

I mean, back when I was all totally hott and stuff.

I thought about this for most of my morning hike. I kept wondering if I'm showing off my intelligence the same way I used to show off my prettiness. "Look at me! I'm the smartiest!"

What if I think I can seduce people with my brains the same way I used to seduce people with my body?

What if it's STILL just me being messed up?

After three miles of this I was all depressed. Even Fraction seemed kind of despondent.

***

Eh.

I've gotten myself all confused.

I keep thinking, 'It's GOOD to be smart, right? This compulsive over-achieving is going to get me somewhere, right?'

But then I think that maybe my motivation is off.

But then I argue with myself that my motivation is NOT off; that I need to be smart, get a degree, get my ass out of poverty. How can that be wrong?

But then I wonder why it worries me, my instructor being so kind and enthusiastic. Why I feel like I need to warn her. Make her stop being nice. Let her know that while I sound all open, intuitive, insightful, intelligent, blah blah blah, I'm really actually... not

I'm not?

Then what AM I?

I can't figure it out.

Any of it.

And the exam made me tired.

And I need to get in the shower, pick up Rainy, take him and Trin to the axis of all evil, Wal-Mart...