My freaking 'fridge went out on me. No big surprise. I got it used two years ago. And not even, like, "gently used;" the thing came with its own roaches ('cause my roaches weren't good enough???).
In a scary spirit of optimism, I'm going to go to Sears as soon as Trinity wakes up (she's my favorite shopping consultant; she KNOWS quality products), and buy a new refrigerator.
I know! A NEW refrigerator! Something they have all on sale, a floor demo or something, but NEW. As in, ROACH-FREE. (Until it gets here.)
My university provides students with these handy-dandy credit card thingies to which our student loans and grant and scholarship money is posted and I just had a big chunk of money put on the card. As I've alluded to and will discuss after the fact, I'm also in the process of a transaction that will get me an even bigger chunk of money... Hence, my belief that I should get a good refrigerator. (Because I'm sick of ones that come with the shelves already broken, the shelf railing for the inside door shelf already broken out, the drawers all cracked and not closing right, other people's scum in all the cracks...)
I long for a good, pretty, clean refrigerator. With an ice maker. I long for it like I theoretically understand some people long for sex. I WANT A NEW REFRIGERATOR. Dammit.
But I'm scared. Scared of spending money. Because what if something happens? What if something bad happens and I wish I had the money I spent on the fridge and then I hate myself for getting a new fridge when I could have gotten another used one for a few hundred bucks?
I'm so conflicted. Obviously we NEED a refrigerator. (Just ask my current yogurt and eggs and chili as they slowly turn to toxins in my now-deceased refrigerator. Just ask Rainy's box of hideous Hot Pockets; they'll tell you.) And part of me is all, 'Honey, go ahead. Get yourself a good refrigerator.' (I like it when my brain is nice to me and uses terms of endearment... It usually does not.) My mind is all, 'This is a show of faith and trust and optimism; this is your belief that things are getting better through all your fricking hard work and that things will continue to get better... Get the fridge, sweetheart.'
But another part of my poor head is all anxious and scared and angry, 'Don't get a new refrigerator!!! Are you INSANE? What part of "living in poverty" don't you understand??? Trailer trash welfare mothers like YOU do not own nice, new appliances! Get your dumb ass down to the used appliance store and get another two-hundred-buck fridge! That's all you need! That's all you deserve! And what's this I've been freaking hearing about an effing MACBOOK?? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY INSANE???'
Damn. No wonder I can never sleep with this WAR constantly going on in my head!
***
So that's my dilemma. That's my current conflict. And part of my mind is already planning the design and decor of my future "dream house," while part of my mind is telling me that I'll be in this rotting trailer until my dying day.
***
In other news, something has seriously changed with Trinity. I know! Bizarre! She's been pleasant and funny and helpful! She made me a whole pot of chili the other day! She cleaned again and reorganized! She spends her evenings actually INTERACTING with the rest of us! Watching tv in the family room with the rest of us! (Though we are only allowed to watch the shows Trinity wants to watch...)
I took her to the Super Target (bestill my heart!), in Mc***Kin**ney last week to get her some little polo shirts and capris for school. (Because last year at school she was constantly getting in trouble for "dress code violations..." Sigh.) It was like having my old, sweet Trinster back. The Trini I haven't seen in YEARS. She was so nice! It was weird! I can't help but think that aliens have taken over her body! Aliens who somehow want to wear polos and capris! Bizarre!
But I'm so relieved. And almost scared to even mention it, scared that she'll revert back as soon as I type these words, like I'll break the spell or something.
***
I also feel that I should mention that I am actually relatively happy this summer. I know! Who knew it was even POSSIBLE???
My classes are wicked hard and relentlessly stressful but I seem to be excelling under the pressure. I feel really good about the academic work I'm doing this summer.
I like the kids being off school, I like hiking every weekday at the park, I like the fact that I found a good home for the Bernese Mountain Dog, I like my garden and my chickens, I like the fact that after months and months (and months!!!), of that incessant bleeding, I'm finally having normal periods again, I LOVE the fact that money is not such a horrible, pressing, stressful, terrifying issue, I LOVE the fact that I think I am seriously seeing a light at the end of this proverbial tunnel.
We've been poor too long. I think a lot of you think I've been joking or exaggerating or something, but actually I've been downplaying it. We've been desperately poor. Terrifyingly poor. Pathetically poor. I don't think very many of you understand how poor we've been. (Some of you, I know, do.)
Now some mornings I wake up and I think, 'Someday soon I'm going to wake up like this, I'm going to open my eyes, and I'm going to be in my beautiful bedroom, in my beautiful new home, and I'm not going to be scared anymore...'
In a scary spirit of optimism, I'm going to go to Sears as soon as Trinity wakes up (she's my favorite shopping consultant; she KNOWS quality products), and buy a new refrigerator.
I know! A NEW refrigerator! Something they have all on sale, a floor demo or something, but NEW. As in, ROACH-FREE. (Until it gets here.)
My university provides students with these handy-dandy credit card thingies to which our student loans and grant and scholarship money is posted and I just had a big chunk of money put on the card. As I've alluded to and will discuss after the fact, I'm also in the process of a transaction that will get me an even bigger chunk of money... Hence, my belief that I should get a good refrigerator. (Because I'm sick of ones that come with the shelves already broken, the shelf railing for the inside door shelf already broken out, the drawers all cracked and not closing right, other people's scum in all the cracks...)
I long for a good, pretty, clean refrigerator. With an ice maker. I long for it like I theoretically understand some people long for sex. I WANT A NEW REFRIGERATOR. Dammit.
But I'm scared. Scared of spending money. Because what if something happens? What if something bad happens and I wish I had the money I spent on the fridge and then I hate myself for getting a new fridge when I could have gotten another used one for a few hundred bucks?
I'm so conflicted. Obviously we NEED a refrigerator. (Just ask my current yogurt and eggs and chili as they slowly turn to toxins in my now-deceased refrigerator. Just ask Rainy's box of hideous Hot Pockets; they'll tell you.) And part of me is all, 'Honey, go ahead. Get yourself a good refrigerator.' (I like it when my brain is nice to me and uses terms of endearment... It usually does not.) My mind is all, 'This is a show of faith and trust and optimism; this is your belief that things are getting better through all your fricking hard work and that things will continue to get better... Get the fridge, sweetheart.'
But another part of my poor head is all anxious and scared and angry, 'Don't get a new refrigerator!!! Are you INSANE? What part of "living in poverty" don't you understand??? Trailer trash welfare mothers like YOU do not own nice, new appliances! Get your dumb ass down to the used appliance store and get another two-hundred-buck fridge! That's all you need! That's all you deserve! And what's this I've been freaking hearing about an effing MACBOOK?? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY INSANE???'
Damn. No wonder I can never sleep with this WAR constantly going on in my head!
***
So that's my dilemma. That's my current conflict. And part of my mind is already planning the design and decor of my future "dream house," while part of my mind is telling me that I'll be in this rotting trailer until my dying day.
***
In other news, something has seriously changed with Trinity. I know! Bizarre! She's been pleasant and funny and helpful! She made me a whole pot of chili the other day! She cleaned again and reorganized! She spends her evenings actually INTERACTING with the rest of us! Watching tv in the family room with the rest of us! (Though we are only allowed to watch the shows Trinity wants to watch...)
I took her to the Super Target (bestill my heart!), in Mc***Kin**ney last week to get her some little polo shirts and capris for school. (Because last year at school she was constantly getting in trouble for "dress code violations..." Sigh.) It was like having my old, sweet Trinster back. The Trini I haven't seen in YEARS. She was so nice! It was weird! I can't help but think that aliens have taken over her body! Aliens who somehow want to wear polos and capris! Bizarre!
But I'm so relieved. And almost scared to even mention it, scared that she'll revert back as soon as I type these words, like I'll break the spell or something.
***
I also feel that I should mention that I am actually relatively happy this summer. I know! Who knew it was even POSSIBLE???
My classes are wicked hard and relentlessly stressful but I seem to be excelling under the pressure. I feel really good about the academic work I'm doing this summer.
I like the kids being off school, I like hiking every weekday at the park, I like the fact that I found a good home for the Bernese Mountain Dog, I like my garden and my chickens, I like the fact that after months and months (and months!!!), of that incessant bleeding, I'm finally having normal periods again, I LOVE the fact that money is not such a horrible, pressing, stressful, terrifying issue, I LOVE the fact that I think I am seriously seeing a light at the end of this proverbial tunnel.
We've been poor too long. I think a lot of you think I've been joking or exaggerating or something, but actually I've been downplaying it. We've been desperately poor. Terrifyingly poor. Pathetically poor. I don't think very many of you understand how poor we've been. (Some of you, I know, do.)
Now some mornings I wake up and I think, 'Someday soon I'm going to wake up like this, I'm going to open my eyes, and I'm going to be in my beautiful bedroom, in my beautiful new home, and I'm not going to be scared anymore...'
Think of it more as a shining symbol of the good times to come and buy the NEW FRIDGE! You deserve something new and pretty that you'll use and see every day.
I'm feeling fairly happy myself at the moment. Strange how people like us see "Happy" as this tenuous thing, like it's a frightened rabbit that will pop back into it's hole at the first sign of trouble. I hope yours is more of a huge juggernaut of a bunny; fuzzy, cute, and unstoppable that will breed lots more happiness into your life.
Hope and feeling engaged with life are so much better than the best fucking drugs there are.
I remember back when I was younger, my mother used to cry every time we bought a new appliance, even though we had the money for it. Having come from a family with not very much, I think the stress of making such a big purchase was too much for her. She would agonize over the decision, and only buy when there was a sale, and then worry after the fact that maybe she hadn't made the right decision or gotten the best deal. It was how she was, but...well, it took all the enjoyment out of getting something new for her.
So I say get the new fridge, sweetheart. Especially if you truly think you'll be able to swing it. And enjoy the hell out of it.
But the fridge and the Mac thingy. One is a necessity for school (and blogging)the other you need for something. I'll remember it sooner or later.
How is it so many of us are happy at the same time?
I'm very happy for all of us. :) I hope we all overflow with the Bunnies of Happiness.
BTW...Got the fridge :)
Holy Shit - okc is ALIVE!!
Glad you got the new fridge. Besides really needing one in that nasty, oppressive Texas heat, newer ones are more efficient and cost less to actually run. You may notice a teeny improvement in your electric bill.
I'm all "yeah for happiness" and shit - but be careful wishing to be overflowing with bunnies - those little guys eat a lot! (And poo even more!)
Brian- yes I am alive and well and working on a blog entry. As you can tell from all the typos, I am using my blackberry curve and still don't know how to do it right. You really need a lesson in aging- trailer-in-Texas electricity bills. NOTHING makes them go down.