Guilt, Conflict

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right

(Counting Crows)

***

Why have the entry titles, the comments, the blogroll suddenly changed blue? I can't figure it out and it's driving me insane.

Other things that are driving me insane: For the third time in six months, the ac input jack has gone fubar on the Gateway laptop I use constantly. Every time this happens, I have to send the notebook away and it's gone for a couple weeks. I can't be without it when I'm in the middle of three classes. The cheapo Wal-Mart Dell we got for Trin has had issues from day one. Apparently it doesn't have enough... something. And it's as slow as a dial-up. Slower, actually. Sierra's Dell, the one that never leaves her side, has started inexplicably shutting itself down at irregular intervals again. Not good.

I need the Apple version of a laptop. Whatever it's called. In less than a year, the hard drive's been replaced twice in this Gateway, it's had nearly continual charging issues. Every time it has a [recurring] issue, I have to fight with customer service to avoid having to pay the forty-five dollars they charge to send a box to ship it in. I'm currently slumping in some complicated way to that the notebook is at the angle that will enable the jack to intermittently charge the thing.

Eh.

***

In my World Lit class we're doing Orhan Pamuk's Snow and I really don't like the book. I can barely read it, I dislike it so much. I had to write a five-page thesis on it this week in MLA format (kill me), and I'm pretty sure blood was coming out of my poor ears as I typed. Even to me, my words sounded like a whole lot of blah-blah-blah.

****** **** ***** edited ******* **** ******* ****

I'm typing it and I'm all, WHAT? What in the world do I mean by this? What's an "allegorical character?" Since I'm saying it, shouldn't I flipping KNOW? Blah! Blah! Blah!

***

My font has changed here since I pasted that. And I don't know how to change it back.

Oh flipping wait! I'm going to have to delete that segment of my thesis. We're supposed to submit all our stuff to an online service that checks for plagiarism. It apparently scans your thesis through the WHOLE.ENTIRE.INTERNET. to see if segments of it are posted elsewhere. Like, if you lifted it from someone else. It would be... awkward to explain that I have posted my stuff to my own [embarrassing] blog.

So you'll never get to read my blah blah allegorical character sentence.

I know.

But in time your pain will fade.

***

I'm groggy. I've nearly finished my coffee and I can't... quite... wake up.

My bedroom tv's Direct TV tuner is having some kind of "error" issue. Which means I can neither watch shows about insects and animals before falling asleep nor wake up to freaking annoying John Roberts on CNN. I have insurance on the thing, but my vacuum, which I also have insurance on, is in the Sears repair shop until the 10th and I don't want to have Direct TV come out until I can vacuum my room.

I know. It's probably dumb. Doing without tv because I don't want Direct TV's contract worker to see the dog hair on the carpet in my room. (My room has the last carpet in the trailer.)

So are we totally bored yet? You'd think I could come up with something better to blog...

Yesterday, while I was secluded here in my room, frantically trying to come up with smart-sounding stuff about Snow, Trinity marshaled Rainy into helping her clean the entire place. It was unbelievable! I almost cried! They did a wonderful job! It made me so happy! And Trin's been such a pain for the last two years this summer, I was shocked that she would do this! She even watched tv out in the family room with us last night. And lit fireworks with Rainy. And played with Sierra, throwing poppers. I was astounded!

I've been very worried about Trini. Sometimes I think that I'm going to lose her, that she's going to be the child that leaves as soon as she can and is never heard from again.

I worry a lot. I worry all the time. She acts like she hates the rest of us. Like she can't stand us. She doesn't want to be here, she wants to be with her friends... And I don't like/trust any of her friends.

And then I feel guilty for not trusting her friends, for not trusting Trinity, for wishing I could ground her forever for the whole summer, just to keep her home and safe.

The latest thing is the Projects Issue (because in my head, I capitalize all my issues with Trin). She wants to hang out with her friends in the Projects all summer. Every day, overnight, that's all she wants to do, that's where she wants to be. And... crap. See, the problem is, are my misgivings classist, elitist, even racist? When I don't want to be any of these things? When I REFUSE to be any of these things?

Am I one of those stereotypical White Liberals? The ones that talk all about unity and equality and egalitarianism... and then don't want my kid hanging out in the Projects?

ALL I freaking talk about is how people, particularly women, are discriminated against on the basis of their color and socio-economic status... and then I don't want my daughter associating with those who are victimized by the very things I rant against?

Crap. Is this how I am?

This isn't how I am. Is it? I can't stand it if this is the way I am.

And my fears... are they based on cliche and stereotype? Because I'm worried about gangs and drugs and that she's going to be sexually assaulted. I'm worried that she and her friends will sneak out at night to meet boys and things will get dangerous. I'm worried that she and her friends are only thirteen and yet they dress... I don't know. I always told the kids that the very conservative school dress code is dumb, that in Cali people dressed in ways that celebrated the beauty of their bodies and that there is nothing wrong with this... And then I feel like a hypocritic when Trin's American Eagle (size freaking ZERO), shorts just seem... way too short.

The mother of one of her friends works in the school cafeteria and I was kind of familiar with her. I keep thinking that she's just another poor single mom (like me! like me! like me!), and how can I not want my daughter to spend time  at her home because it's in the Projects? That's wrong of me; that's crazy. It makes no sense. Because if I didn't have this acreage, this trailer, I'd be living there, too, and would I want people not wanting their kids to visit with my kids because of where I live? (And besides, the homes in the Projects are TONS nicer than my rotting trailer...)

I'm very conflicted. Am I reacting because I was raised in a nice suburb and am relying only on the stereotypes of living in the Projects? Because I haven't seen anything bad when I drop Trin off.

Crap, I'm so conflicted.

Sometimes I think it's because I don't trust Trin. I don't trust Trin and her little friends.

I don't know.

Thursday, she was at the home of another friend in the Projects. A different friend than the cafeteria woman's daughter. And she texted me and said that the mother was going to take the girls to a pool party and could she go and spend the night? Against my better judgment, I said okay. Later, at nearly seven, Trin texted me again and said that the pool party was at the Motel 6 and the mother was "tired" and decided to just get a room so they could all spend the night there and was that okay?

Who knew my little car was so fast?

The odd thing was that Trinity didn't even argue with me about going home. She didn't say a thing, she just got in the car. She didn't say anything when I ranted half the way home. The woman wants to put out eighty dollars for a room? Because she's too tired to drive four miles? What the freak was she doing taking the kids to a hotel pool in the first place? How do you even gain access to the hotel pool if you're not staying there? Blah blah blah. I was scared, and mad.

Scared, because I can't seem to figure out how to handle any of this. Mad... because I'm scared.

I can't ban Trin from every single one of her freinds just because I don't like them... can I? And see, I didn't like them even before I knew they freaking lived in the Projects. And when Trin yells that I'm being prejudiced about the Projects, is she wrong? Or right? Or what?

I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do.

Trinity was a wonderful little girl. So funny and sweet and happy; I keep hoping that girl is still somewhere inside if her. Because now she seems to be nothing but mad and mean.

I worry about her so much.