Totally unrelated news:
Someone thought it would be funny (well yeah, it is kinda funny...), to use my email to join in supporting McCain. Ha. Ha-ha. Now don't be doing it again.
I just had to spend a hundred and sixty-four bucks to buy Rainy a used flute for Band. Geez. I see ramen in our immediate future. (Maybe we should eat the little goat? Mwah!)
I don't want the kids to have to go back to school.
I don't want to start stressing about subbing again.
School supplies! Crap! I can't shoplift fast enough!
Trinity is engaged in an ongoing text-war with her father. About... geez... It began because I had to cancel the back-to-school clothes shopping I'd promised on accounta suddenly losing six hundred dollars from my monthly budget. Trin texted him to express her, um, anger over this and from there it segued into asking why he never, never-ever, in the six and a half years he's been gone, has called any of the kids. Why he never calls to just "ask how our day is going." Why he never calls on birthdays or Christmas, why he never emails or sends cards et cetera. Why he spends money on drugs before he sends child support.
All very valid points... and yet this isn't a fight a thirteen year-old needs to be taking on.
I mean, it's one thing for her to be expressing her anger... But I'm afraid that this is going to hurt her.
Trinity always liked her father best. You know how some kids gravitate to particular parents? Sierra was like, immediately her mother's baby. Rainy too, though not as much as Sierra. But Trini used to follow her daddy around, spend as much time as she could with him. I still have the painful memory of her trying to run down the street after his car, no shoes, wearing only her diaper, one of the times he got all depressed/angry/whatever and took off in search of drugs.
And while Sierra and Rainy kept "their" parent, Trinity lost hers. And over the past year she's said things that have seriously worried me. Like, "If I run away, Dad will have to come out here and help find me." And, "If I keep getting in trouble at school, Daddy will have to move to Texas."
And she's involved in this phone/text battle with him, and when she texted him that she wishes he would just die, he finally called her back, telling her he would try to find a job soon and send child support. And it broke my heart when she told me that Daddy was listening to her, that he called her back, and promised to get a job. I mean, it broke my heart because she believed him. And because what lesson is she learning here? That a man will only communicate with you when you scream and yell and threaten?
The whole thing is bad. And I'm sitting here apparently crying over it. And I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking how fucked up this is. Thinking that I need to stop taking his calls. Because what message is that sending my children? That I will still be civil to someone who has no time for them? Who has NEVER called them? That's a bad message. And I told myself that I was talking to him so that I could learn if/when he starts working again, so I can tell the AG and get child support again. But maybe I should just say Fuck it. Forget abut ever getting any child support and just never speak to him again.
Maybe that's what I should do.
But fuck... can I just decide to be even POORER?
But is this even worth it? In six and a half years, I've gotten less than a year's worth of child support. Is that worth my children seeing me be NICE to someone who has hurt their lives so much?
Fuck, I don't know.
It's just... as the kids get older, it seems that they need more and more and more. And what they need costs so much more. And I don't know what to do. And my mother is getting on my case because I won't take our old dog Chess to the vet for the eye infection he's had for a couple months, the eye infection I've been treating unsuccessfully with the terramycin that I bought from an online vet supply. And she's making me feel all guilty, saying I'm going to be to blame when he goes blind in that eye, and when I replied that he won't be blind long because I don't think he's going to make it through another year, she accused me of being hard-hearted and mean and I woke up worrying about this in the night, too, thinking I'm failing my old dog. And I love this dog, I really love him, but I can't afford the hundreds of dollars to take him to the vet and
Oh fuck it
Someone thought it would be funny (well yeah, it is kinda funny...), to use my email to join in supporting McCain. Ha. Ha-ha. Now don't be doing it again.
I just had to spend a hundred and sixty-four bucks to buy Rainy a used flute for Band. Geez. I see ramen in our immediate future. (Maybe we should eat the little goat? Mwah!)
I don't want the kids to have to go back to school.
I don't want to start stressing about subbing again.
School supplies! Crap! I can't shoplift fast enough!
Trinity is engaged in an ongoing text-war with her father. About... geez... It began because I had to cancel the back-to-school clothes shopping I'd promised on accounta suddenly losing six hundred dollars from my monthly budget. Trin texted him to express her, um, anger over this and from there it segued into asking why he never, never-ever, in the six and a half years he's been gone, has called any of the kids. Why he never calls to just "ask how our day is going." Why he never calls on birthdays or Christmas, why he never emails or sends cards et cetera. Why he spends money on drugs before he sends child support.
All very valid points... and yet this isn't a fight a thirteen year-old needs to be taking on.
I mean, it's one thing for her to be expressing her anger... But I'm afraid that this is going to hurt her.
Trinity always liked her father best. You know how some kids gravitate to particular parents? Sierra was like, immediately her mother's baby. Rainy too, though not as much as Sierra. But Trini used to follow her daddy around, spend as much time as she could with him. I still have the painful memory of her trying to run down the street after his car, no shoes, wearing only her diaper, one of the times he got all depressed/angry/whatever and took off in search of drugs.
And while Sierra and Rainy kept "their" parent, Trinity lost hers. And over the past year she's said things that have seriously worried me. Like, "If I run away, Dad will have to come out here and help find me." And, "If I keep getting in trouble at school, Daddy will have to move to Texas."
And she's involved in this phone/text battle with him, and when she texted him that she wishes he would just die, he finally called her back, telling her he would try to find a job soon and send child support. And it broke my heart when she told me that Daddy was listening to her, that he called her back, and promised to get a job. I mean, it broke my heart because she believed him. And because what lesson is she learning here? That a man will only communicate with you when you scream and yell and threaten?
The whole thing is bad. And I'm sitting here apparently crying over it. And I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking how fucked up this is. Thinking that I need to stop taking his calls. Because what message is that sending my children? That I will still be civil to someone who has no time for them? Who has NEVER called them? That's a bad message. And I told myself that I was talking to him so that I could learn if/when he starts working again, so I can tell the AG and get child support again. But maybe I should just say Fuck it. Forget abut ever getting any child support and just never speak to him again.
Maybe that's what I should do.
But fuck... can I just decide to be even POORER?
But is this even worth it? In six and a half years, I've gotten less than a year's worth of child support. Is that worth my children seeing me be NICE to someone who has hurt their lives so much?
Fuck, I don't know.
It's just... as the kids get older, it seems that they need more and more and more. And what they need costs so much more. And I don't know what to do. And my mother is getting on my case because I won't take our old dog Chess to the vet for the eye infection he's had for a couple months, the eye infection I've been treating unsuccessfully with the terramycin that I bought from an online vet supply. And she's making me feel all guilty, saying I'm going to be to blame when he goes blind in that eye, and when I replied that he won't be blind long because I don't think he's going to make it through another year, she accused me of being hard-hearted and mean and I woke up worrying about this in the night, too, thinking I'm failing my old dog. And I love this dog, I really love him, but I can't afford the hundreds of dollars to take him to the vet and
Oh fuck it
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