This afternoon I'm meeting with the instructor-of-record for the f2f course I'm assisting. (Oh Syntax... What's wrong with that sentence? And why am I too tired to fix it?) 

Yesterday in the staff meeting, I was quasi-consumed with despondency. I sat there thinking, 'Here we go again... It's never going to end. What am I doing? And why?'

Eh.

I'm not complaining, exactly. Not exactly. I like this whole academia thing. I mean, I really like it. And feeling as though I don't...quite...fit in here is better than feeling that I don't fit in somewhere else, right? Right? And the whole "fitting in" thing is probably one of those social myths, anyway, right? Right?

Oh well.

***

Although I know I shouldn't do it, although I know it's wrong, and although I know it's both meaningless and inaccurate, I have a scale in my head. A Circe Smith Scale™ upon which I can't help but measure everyone/thing. And everyone/thing always comes up short. And even as I know that the criteria of measure are messed up, I can't help but do it. Like, the other day I helped some guy who sprained his ankle and when the EMS guys did that pain assessment thing and he stated that the pain was the worst he's ever felt in his whole entire life, behind my benign and less-than-brilliant exterior persona, my Circe Smith Scale kicked in and in my head I was all, Srsly? SRSLY? And when my mother's nonfunctioning garbage disposal is an urgent, all-consuming nightmare of household appliance catastrophe, behind my silent lack of expression my scale ricochets violently to the big-red-letter point of SRSLY? And, sigh, I could unfortunately give a zillion more recent examples. I need to stop, because I know that the things I count as "good," "strong," "stoic," and "practical" in my own self are probably crazy things. Things I shouldn't apply to other people. Standards I shouldn't expect normal people to have to adhere to.

Me, I seem to be experiencing a strange amalgamation of despondency and paranoia. (I know! Somehow my request for "cheerful" and "relaxed" got screwed up AGAIN!) The result of this fusion is that my mind is all revved up thinking that almost-everyone is out to use me, take advantage of me, do something bad-ish to me, but I'm just...too...exhausted by despair to really do anything about it. (Besides brood, I mean. Because there's always time and energy for brooding.) (Whee!) 

Maybe I should go read in the sun. Maybe that would cheer me up. (Umm... It's clear that I still haven't figured out that I'm in triple-digit-temp-Texas-August and "reading in the sun" results in spontaneous combustion.)

I should do something. Something, something, something. Besides staying mentally busy with this whole What Do They WANT From Me? thing. Maybe I should multitask: Clean my room while being wary and suspicious.

Eh.

In other news, the goats are well.

Will the fall be easier? I'm taking two classes, teaching two classes. Taking one class online, the other face-to-face. Teaching one class online, the other in person. I need to figure out the topic of my master's thesis. I need to figure out where and in what program I'll pursue my doctoral degree... And it's complicated. It's a very complicated decision -- politically, personally, and professionally complicated. I need to figure it out very soon.

I'm cursed or possibly blessed with some sense of, you know, destiny. I'm plagued by the sense that I'm supposed to do/be something important-ish. Like, I haven't just been joking about that whole save/change the world thing. Sometimes I'll be driving or sitting outside watching the chickens/geese/goats/dogs/cats and I'll feel... I don't know. Feel that someday I'll look back on this time and I'l be able to retrospectively see and make sense of how what I'm doing now --everything I'm doing now-- is moving me closer to where/what I'm supposed to be. I don't know.

But things are hard. Money is of course better -- a lot better. But things are hard. Very stressful. I feel as though I cannot relax, cannot relax for even an hour. I feel as though I have to be more, do better, do more, be better. Like the faster I run, the faster I have to run. Like there's no end, no point of win, just one long, increasingly difficult race. 

And on that note, I have to go.