Month: April 2005

Tequila!

elvis15 Comments

I’m in the mood to get fall-down, piss-stinking, bar-fighting, crazy-talking, fuck-anything-that-moves drunk…. I don’t mean a fairies and sunshine, glinda-the-good-witch sort of magic.

I’m in the mood to fucking drink.

I’m in the mood to get fall-down, piss-stinking, bar-fighting, crazy-talking, fuck-anything-that-moves drunk.

This kind of drunk, it has to be, has to be tequila.

There’s a magic about tequila. I don’t mean a fairies and sunshine, glinda-the-good-witch sort of magic. No, this is a bad-juju-bart-no-like magic. This is a dark-fire-in-the-skull magic.

The old joke goes there’s a reason they call it ‘ta kill ya.

Tequila isn’t a beverage. Fuck people who serve it in snifters and pretend it’s cognac. Tequila is a drug. Tequila is meant to be shot, gulped, slammed, pounded. Sucked from a bottle, or if you’re really, really lucky, from a beautiful woman’s mouth. It’s not for fucking sipping. You want to taste it more? Drink more.

I don’t particularly like expensive, super-high-end tequila. Fact is, I’d rather drink a good blanco than a great anejo. The anejo tastes good, sure, but tequila needs to bite. Tequila needs to hurt you when it goes down.

You know what I hate? When people call the lime and salt training wheels. The lime and salt is ritual. It’s part of the process, like rolling a joint or cutting out a line or prepping a shot. And it tastes good, dammit. It’s flavor compliment; it’s not to cover the taste, it’s to enhance it, like seasoning on a steak. I don’t care how good that steak is, without salt and pepper, it’s just flesh. With the seasonings, it’s cuisine.

Give me a shot, make it two, make it three, and quickly, fucking quickly.

Alas.

I’m off to meet a friend for dinner, and you know, I must be a grownup. It’s tuesday, and I have to work tomorrow, and so does he, and I’ll have a twenty-five mile drive home after I drop him at his hotel. So this isn’t the night for fighting and fucking some stranger. We’ll have a few, I’m certain, but…

Sometimes it sucks being a grown-up.

Raincheck on that, ok? I need that tequila drunk. I haven’t been good and pissed since St. Patrick’s day, and that was on on Irish. I’m still needing that tequila drunk, and soon.

Stupidly funny machine gun of dirty words

elvis2 Comments

This is for the bad little kid in all of us. NWA’s Straight Outta Compton, edited down to only the explicit content.So for example the title track, which starts: Straight outta Compton, crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube From the gang called Niggaz With Attitudes When I’m called off, I got a sawed off Squeeze the trigger, and bodies are hauled off You too, boy, if ya fuck with me The police are gonna hafta come and get me Off yo ass, that’s how I’m goin out For the punk motherfuckers that’s showin ouIs then reduced to simply:motherfucker, niggaz, fuck, ass, motherfuckers.This reduced to me absolute giggles.

This is for the bad little kid in all of us.

NWA’s Straight Outta Compton, edited down to only the explicit content.

So for example the title track, which starts:

      Straight outta Compton, crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube
      From the gang called Niggaz With Attitudes
      When I’m called off, I got a sawed off
      Squeeze the trigger, and bodies are hauled off
      You too, boy, if ya fuck with me
      The police are gonna hafta come and get me
      Off yo ass, that’s how I’m goin out
      For the punk motherfuckers that’s showin ou

Is then distilled down to:

     motherfucker, niggaz, fuck, ass, motherfuckers.

This reduced to me absolute giggles.

Not work safe, not kid safe, not even safe for me.

(Thanks, as usual, to BoingBoing.)

A hat pulled down low hides the price on his soul

elvis2 Comments

And you can’t see his eyes or his longing- -A hat pulled down low Hides the price on his soul. There’s a ship which won’t be long coming; So when he gets on board You just whisper the word. Takes a last look over his shoulder, Sees the sun going down Watched by no one around So where are his friends now he needs them?

I was going to post more song lyrics.

And then I read something of Buck Daruma’s, and, you know, had to admit it means writer’s block.

Read more “A hat pulled down low hides the price on his soul”

Goofy Golf Therapy

elvis2 Comments

Sometimes you know, when one’s mood is low, there’s not a thing in the world better than playing goofy-golf with one’s kids. I should try to find a history of goofy golf, mini golf, whatever you want to call it.

Sometimes you know, when one’s mood is low, there’s not a thing in the world better than playing goofy-golf with one’s kids.

I should try to find a history of goofy golf, mini golf, whatever you want to call it. It’s an oddity, and I’d guess a singularly american one. I can’t quite imagine the french or the germans playing it.

But in any case, it’s terribly hard to find much importance in the world’s problem or my own when I’m using a tiny, candy-colored putter to knock a florescent orange golf-ball into a grinning dragon’s mouth.

Read more “Goofy Golf Therapy”

JournalCon

elvis9 Comments

I guess I’ll finally have to go to one of these deals…. We’ll see how much trouble we can all get into.

TranceJen just made me promise.

JournalCon is in San Diego this year. I guess I’ll finally have to go to one of these deals.

October 21-23. Save that date. We’ll see how much trouble we can all get into.

Ray? You too, me bucko.

So Bad, Baby I Don’t Care

elvis1 Comment

Some days, only Motorhead will do.

Some days, only Motorhead will do.

I make love to mountain lions,
Sleep on red-hot branding irons,
When I walk the roadway shakes,

Bed’s a mess of rattlesnakes,
Voodoo child, black cat bone,
Scratch your back, hear you moan,
I get up, you go down, tall building, single bound,

War and peace and love, say it if you dare,
Iron fist, velvet glove,
I’m so bad, baby I don’t care,

Black-hearted to the bone,
Older than The Rolling Stones,
Been to heaven, been to hell,
Bought the farm, and I won’t sell,
Give and take, rise and fall, rise up and take it all,
Secret love, I won’t tell, knock you up and ring your bell,

Kiss the whip, eat the gun,
Tell me it ain’t fair, midnight victim, hit and run,
I’m so bad, baby I don’t care,

I make the blind to see,
Shoot ’em full of R and B,
I make the lame to walk,
Come ’round and pop your cork,
Wham, bam, thank you ma’am,
Thought I heard the back door slam,
Overkill, walk the line, kill the lights, it’s lampshade time,

On the road, on the lam, people running scared,
I’m everything they say I am, I’m so bad, baby I don’t care.

          -Motorhead, I’m So Bad (Baby I Don’t Care)

Giant Head, Scourage of Network Cables

elvis4 Comments

So the thing with mooching server space and bandwidth from friends is, there’s an upside and a downside. The upside is, I get all this free for nothing but love.

So the thing with mooching server space and bandwidth from friends is, there’s an upside and a downside.

The upside is, I get all this free for nothing but love. This blog, and several others I host, like Austin Ray.

The down side is, you get what you pay for. You pay in love, you get love back, but love ain’t reliability and support. No redundant network connection.

This means we have a certain level of vulnerability.

for example:

…the network line comes in to Junior’s room, but the hardware had
been hidden under his loft. Since we redid his room we have not yet
rebuilt the loft, so the hardware’s exposed to his giant head to
accidentally bump out of the wall.”

Well. That there explains why we’ve been off line a lot the last couple days. Watch that head, Junior!

First Ride

elvis13 Comments

Ruby, my six-year-old, reminded me of something today.Daddy, she said, You promised we could see if my legs are long enough.And of course I had. The rule has always been, when you can get both your feet securely on the rear pegs, you can ride on the back of my motorcycle.

Ruby, my six-year-old, reminded me of something today.

“Daddy”, she said, “You promised we could see if my legs are long enough.”

And of course I had. The rule has always been, when you can get both your feet securely on the rear pegs, you can ride on the back of my motorcycle.

Read more “First Ride”

Who planned this?

elvis3 Comments

How many people at thirty, fourty, fifty, can say to themselves, this is the life I planned on having?

How many people at thirty, fourty, fifty, can say to themselves, this is the life I planned on having?

I bet I could find a few. People who knew. I’m going to be a scientist. I want to play violin in an orchestra. Some people feel a calling in life, and answer it, and have the luck, and the gift.

Most of us just sort of wind up where we are, washed onto some beach like semi-sentient flotsom. We know we made some choices there at some point, we chose that fork, not the other. Yet so much is random eddies, currents we can’t control or choose not to control.

Read more “Who planned this?”

Hitchhiker’s Guide: Amazingly, mindbogglingly awful.

elvis7 Comments

I mean, you might think that The Phantom Menace was a hopelessly misguided attempt to reinvent a much-loved franchise by people who, though well-intentioned, completely failed to understand what made the original popular – but that’s just peanuts to the Hitchhiker’s movie…. It’s not even a good film if viewed as an original work: the characters are unsympathetic, the cast exhibit no chemistry, the direction is pedestrian, the pace plodding, the special effects overpowering (lots and lots of special effects, none of them funny mind you) and above all the script is amazingly, mindbogglingly awful.

MJ Simpson, Douglas Adams biographer, has posted a review of the new Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie.

A few key quotes:

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie is bad. Really bad. You just won’t believe how vastly, staggeringly, jaw-droppingly bad it is. I mean, you might think that The Phantom Menace was a hopelessly misguided attempt to reinvent a much-loved franchise by people who, though well-intentioned, completely failed to understand what made the original popular – but that’s just peanuts to the Hitchhiker’s movie. Listen.

. . . . .

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie is an abomination. Whereas the radio show, TV show, books and computer game are all recognisably variations on a theme, this is something new and almost entirely unrelated. It’s not even a good film if viewed as an original work: the characters are unsympathetic, the cast exhibit no chemistry, the direction is pedestrian, the pace plodding, the special effects overpowering (lots and lots of special effects, none of them funny mind you) and above all the script is amazingly, mindbogglingly awful. Oh, and they have taken most of the jokes out.

This is a terrible, terrible film and it makes me want to weep.

Wow. That’s some kinda bad. Watching the previews I cannot say I’m surprised. I can’t imagine making a decent hollywood movie out of a book where the best parts are the narrative digressions. But you’d think they could make one that would not utterly suck.

Fingers crossed that MJ’s wrong, but not holding my breath, I tell you.