Category: family

A vile drink

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I keep thinking I should try it, but when it comes down to it, I’d rather just drink. I’m throwing a luau today; mai tais, hawaiian food (vaguely hawaiian, anyway), hawaiian music.

No, I’m not gonna roast a fucking pig. I keep thinking I should try it, but when it comes down to it, I’d rather just drink.

I’m throwing a luau today, for my daughter’s 7th birthday; mai tais, hawaiian food (vaguely hawaiian, anyway), hawaiian music around the pool.

My goal for the day – don’t kill anyone. Because, you know, it could happen. Rum makes a man crazy, sometimes. And almost without exception, I’m armed with sharp, pointy things.

     “it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels.” — Elizabeth Swann

It’s true, and I must say, any ladies of age who choose to show up in bikinis had better watch out. There’s no question, no question at all, that I’m feeling my inner scoundrel today; and that’s just the coffee so far. When we add ol’ demon Rum to the mix, watch out.

Happy Birthday, Ruby

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My daughter is seven years old today…. I remember the first one, who’s now eleven, being born only a couple years ago. This one can’t possibly be this big, this old already.

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My daughter is seven years old today.

Wow. How time fucking slips between my fingers. I remember the first one, who’s now eleven, being born only a couple years ago. This one can’t possibly be this big, this old already.

Seven years can go by in a blink.

Happy Birthday, Ruby. I love you.

Ruby Ruby Stitch

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Blogosphere Dropout

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I really haven’t even thought about any entries of note in a week, I have not read anyone else’s blog in a week…. Even though I’ve been working like a dog all week, I still feel like I’ve been on vacation from everything.

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God, I feel like I’ve totally dropped out of the blogosphere. I really haven’t even thought about any entries of note in a
week, I have not read anyone else’s blog in a week. I’ve barely been on line, haven’t IM’d, have not answered email.

Even though I’ve been working like a dog all week, I still feel like I’ve been on vacation from everything. But now I feel oddly out of touch with the online world and have a lotta catch-up reading to do.

My bachelor week is about done. And while I didn’t go anywhere, still, I feel like I’ve had a vacation. My watch is in the shop for repair, and literally, it’s been a week since I knew what time it was; it’s been a week since I cared what time it was.

So what have I done? I’m trying to think. Not much, and yet I feel like I’ve been busy. Busy not doing anything important at all. I’ve been to a few dinners, watched a few movies, finished a couple books, written quite a bit. I’ve had too much to drink almost every night. I’ve talked to friends on the phone, I’ve hung out with topless, sunbathing lesbians, I’ve seen a movie, watched some TV, and just hung out a lot. I’ve been to a couple strip clubs, gone drinking with a group of guys I just met, watched porn movies. I’ve sat in the sun and done nothing. I’ve gone swimming at midnight and slept until 10am. I’ve gone for motorcycle rides and cooked for myself. Re-wired a friend’s AV system.

I have not read any Harry Potter. Waiting for the family to get home for that one. But I have read up on Harry Potter spoilers. I’m like that.

Apart from some writing and work, I’ve avoided my computer. As I said, little IM, no blogging or reading blogs. I’m behind on mashups over at MashupTown, I’m behind on everyone’s blogs; I don’t think I’ve left a blog comment in a week.

It’s been an interesting week. I have never truly lived alone. I haven’t been this alone in years; last time I was this alone, I crashed my motorcycle and spent most of the week barely able to walk with a back sprain. This is considerably better.

Yet it’s weird to get up in the morning and not see my kids; it’s weird to not read them stories before bed. It’s weird to not have anyone to cook for; it’s weird not to have the daily, constant chaos that comes from living with a family. That chaos is both the bane and the beauty of being a father, so it’s loss is both good and bad. It’s lovely to not have to run my dishwasher daily, to not have two loads of wash every day, to know any mess I have to clean, I made. But it’s a little empty to come home from work and not have anyone say Hi Daddy.

I miss ’em. Yet, this is good; it’s been therapeutic for me in many ways. Time to think, to relax, to not have to think about anyone’s needs but mine. I think we all need more of this; fathers, mothers, husbands, wives. Our kids, if they’re lucky, sometimes go to summer camp, and some of us get to go away to college. Grownups need summer camp now and then, I think. Particularly a summer camp with strippers and sunbathing, topless lesbians.

I must say though, I’m still tempted to go get my nipples pierced before everyone comes home. I’ve been thinking about it for a week, and I just might go do it, tonight, tomorrow. I would have gotten a tattoo, were not finances a little short this month, but some part of me wants to do something that leaves a mark. Other than walking into a door.

[made with ecto]

The Bachelor

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about me being alone.
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No, Not the reality teevee show. I’m done with that topic.

I’m talking about a temporary bachelor.

The family are taking off for a toasty tour of the southwest (why do they call it the southwest when it’s east of here? And what’s with the midwest? It’s not mid, nor west). I, on the other hand, as a workin’ stiff, can’t always take off at the last minute with no advance planning. So I’m keepin’ the home fires burnin’ and waiting for some post-cards and t-shirts. Gray, with skulls. That’s it, you know what I like.

Meanwhile, I’ve got a big ten days here to myself.

Obviously, I’m hoping to get some writing done. It’s a prime chance, truly. And if I could turn the tap in my head, I could write a fucking novel in ten days. I’ve got the stories, and I’ve got the time. But I’ll keep expectations low and just say, I’ll work, and maybe I’ll get a story or two I can post.

Most likely, I’ll spend too much time at home. I’ll do a ton of laundry, watch a lotta movies (I got netflix again – first up, Firefly), read a thick, heavy book or two (Moby Dick? Hell, it’s on my bedside table), and drink way too much. I’m tellin’ ya, friends, if I do this, come get me outta the house. Sometimes I go hermit when I have the house to myself. Come get me and take me out and get me in trouble. I could use it.

The worst thing I do when I’m alone is that I tend to spend way too much time at work. With no reason to get home, no one to cook for or clean up after, I tend to think, I’ll just finish this today instead of putting it off. That, also, I need to resist.

Other things come to mind. Maybe I’ll take a short motorcycle trip, pack just what I need and head off up or down the coast. Maybe I’ll toss a sleeping bag and a jug of wine in my jeep and find a beach to sleep on.

Why not? A man’s gotta try for an adventure or two.

Or maybe I’ll just conduct a short tour of dive bars in my town. That shouldn’t take long, it’s a small town and it’s got too few bars. Drink up and crawl home. In the old days, I’d have gone on a weekend-long chemical vacation; I miss being young and stupid sometimes.

Hell, I’ll find some way to occupy the hours. I always do.

[made with ecto]

Weed Sucker

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(06-21) 13:15 PDT ATLANTA, (AP) –Marijuana-flavored lollipops with names such as Purple Haze, Acapulco Gold and Rasta are showing up on the shelves of convenience stores around the country, angering anti-drug advocates.”It’s nothing but dope candy, and that’s nothing we need to be training our children to do,” said Georgia state Sen. Vincent Fort, who has persuaded some convenience stores to stop selling the treats.The confections are legal, because they are made with hemp oil, a common ingredient in health food, beauty supplies and other household products.
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(06-21) 13:15 PDT ATLANTA, (AP) —
Marijuana-flavored lollipops with names such as Purple Haze, Acapulco Gold and Rasta are showing up on the shelves of convenience stores around the country, angering anti-drug advocates.

“It’s nothing but dope candy, and that’s nothing we need to be training our children to do,” said Georgia state Sen. Vincent Fort, who has persuaded some convenience stores to stop selling the treats.

The confections are legal, because they are made with hemp oil, a common ingredient in health food, beauty supplies and other household products. The oil imparts a marijuana’s grassy taste but not the high.

(Continue reading this story)

They’re talking about Chronic Candy (I’m sorry, that’s a stupid fucking flash site. You know who uses flash? Fucking morons use flash.)

I gotta say — as an old ex stoner, I think this is pretty entertaining. I mean, take me back to the old days when I smoked that shit by the bagfull. Dude — whoa.

But as a parent? Honestly, I’m more worried about the fact that it’s candy. Candy does more harm than fuckin’ pot does.

Howl and Father’s Day

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So the short review of Howl’s Moving Castle.As Miyazaki goes, don’t expect Spirited Away or Princess Mononoke…. Sweeping vistas, skies that glow with life, inventive creatures, motion that’s not like any other animator.
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So the short review of Howl’s Moving Castle.

As Miyazaki goes, don’t expect Spirited Away or Princess Mononoke. It’s not even close to the magic of those films.

But as films go — well, it’s still Miyazaki. And he’s fucking brilliant.

As always, it’s beautiful. Sweeping vistas, skies that glow with life, inventive creatures, motion that’s not like any other animator. It’s inventive and clever.

Unlike the other films, though, there are plot and pacing issues. The plot makes little sense, and the title character never really makes any sense, vain, shallow and cowardly one moment, brave and honorable the next. We never really see any reason for anyone to love him, yet love is supposed to be the motivation for much of the plot. It’s a muddle, but a light-weight one. There are also moments that drag, where characters are talking to each other without it seeming very relevant.

There’s plenty to like though; the main character, a girl names Sofi who’s under a curse that turns her into an old woman, seems to change ages continually throughout the film in a deeply surreal way; this wasn’t an accident, I think Miyazaki is saying something with it, but I couldn’t quite crack the code. The voice acting is low key, with good turns by Lauren Bacall, Blythe Danner and Jean Simmons, though Christian Bale is entirely too manly as Howl.

Unexpectedly, Billy Crystal’s vocal performance as Calcifer, a fire demon, was wonderful. Usually when they put someone funny in a part like this, it screws up the character, as with Phil Hartman doing the cat in Kiki. Here, for some reason, Crystal’s performance makes it work.

It’s well worth seeing; I’m hoping the weaknesses were due to it being a story from outside source, not due to any slippage of Miyazaki’s talent.

My father’s day was pretty much uneventful. No one fought, no one cried. The kids and I went to the Winchester Mystery House, a place that seems to have endless entertainment value for Olivia, and then I took off and had a little time to myself while the family made me dinner. Not exactly the plan I had in my mind’s eye for the afternoon, but you take what you can get, and peace is not a bad description for a day. Later, I’ll pour a scotch and watch Six Feet Under, and then I’m thinking good thoughts about sleep, something that’s been in short supply lately.

[ of course after I wrote that, I realized that they’ve moved six feet under to a different night, so I had to content myself with old Monty Python episodes, but you know there’s still sleep to look forward to… ]

Pass the Badger

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I just corrupted a young mind with the evil hypnotic badger badger badger…. So I tried, at lunch today to explain badger badger badger and simply could not.



I just corrupted a young mind with the evil hypnotic badger badger badger. Olivia always asks why I say “Oh, it’s a snake” whenever she says anything about snakes.

So I tried, at lunch today to explain badger badger badger and simply could not. So tonight, I played it for her.

Now, she’s wandering around the house saying “Mushroom, mushroom!” and “It’s a snake, ohh, it’s a snake!”

My work here is done. At least until I give her Bananna Phone.

Thanks, Brutha Ray. I’m needin’ a fresh book. You just sent me the one. Favor back at you, now that I have your mailing address!

Is that for my ears?

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Olivia was in teh office with me, I suspect up to her eyeballs in her playmobile obsession…. And I turn to say something to olivia, and the next song in my iTunes library starts playing.

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Last night I was downloading something or other, some sample of an artist I’ve now forgotten.

Olivia was in the office with me, I suspect up to her eyeballs in her playmobile obsession.

So I start up this sample in iTunes, and it plays, and isn’t interesting in any way. And I turn to say something to olivia, and the next song in my iTunes library starts playing. I have this up pretty loud.

And this is the next song. (That link isn’t work safe).

It’s the dirty-words-only version of ‘Fuck tha Police’ from NWA’s Straight Outta Compton.

I thought Olivia’s head was gonna explode.

IS THAT FOR MY EARS? she demanded.

“No honey, that played by mistake.”

“Why would you have that,” she asked, sounding near panic.

I explained what it was a joke, everything but the bad words edited out. And I felt like that moment in Alice’s Restaurant where he says “…and creatin’ a nuisance, and they all moved back to me there on the group W bench…” when I told her it was to make of point about how much some bands use that sort of language. And that made it all ok, as if she was then able to say to herself oh, it’s a lesson.

I don’t know this kid sometimes. I asked her if she wanted to hear it again, and she paled and said NO! But someday she’s gonna understand the power of that language.

What a parent must endure

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How is it the same guy can make Desperado, Sin City, and Shark Boy and Lava Girl?It’s what you gotta do sometimes when you’re a parent…. When this happens, you gotta choose from what’s on. Sometimes there’s the unexpected winner.

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How is it the same guy can make Desperado, Sin City, and Shark Boy and Lava Girl?

It’s what you gotta do sometimes when you’re a parent. You go to movies because this weekend, you need something to do with the kids, not because there’s something brilliant playing that you gotta see. When this happens, you gotta choose from what’s on.

Sometimes there’s the unexpected winner. I mean, who’d have though the Wild Thornberries movie would be a charming little flick? Sometimes you get Madagascar, funny, but not something to seek out unless you need a kid flick.

And sometimes you get Shark Boy and Lava Girl.

Let’s start with — my god what a headache I have. Hasn’t 3D gotten better? It took a can of PimpJuice (also known as PJ Tight, the #1 Hip Hop Energy Drink!) to get that under control.

I wanted to like this movie. I was willing to laugh with it when the jokes were terrible and the dialog sounded like written by Rodriguez seven-year-old son (Who’s credited with ‘story by’). I was even willing to find the low-grade CGI effects charming.

But god. It’s boring. Boring, boring, boring. The kind of boring where you wait for a bad joke to groan at because it relives the boredom.

Ok, fine. The kids liked it. They’re the target audience. But damn, you know, I want a director who’s as talented as Rodriguez to have a little, just a little more judgement and self-restraint.

So what’s good about it? Very little. There are some clever creatures, something Rodriguez has a gift for (plug dogs, or something like that, hell-hounds made of electrical wires with plugs for heads), funny casting (Kristin Davis of Sex and the City as Mom, and David Arquette as Dad, looking eerily like Rodriguez himself). But the the only thing that kept me entertained through it was the delightfully pink-haired Taylor Dooley as Lava Girl. She’s cute as a button, and I’m setting my watch for how old she has be for, well, you know. Hell, 2011? Ah. Ok. I’m hoping she keeps the pink hair, I tell ya.

Sigh. When does Howl’s Moving Castle open? There’s one I’ll line up for.

Can I add a beep to that?

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“Daddy, is there any way iTunes can add a beep to a song?””Uh.” “I mean, could we take the mp3, and, you know, make it so when it plays, it has a…”It starts to dawn on me what she’s asking.

     “Daddy, is there any way iTunes can add a beep to a song?”

     “Uh.”

     “I mean, could we take the mp3, and, you know, make it so when it plays, it has a…”

     It starts to dawn on me what she’s asking.

     “Olivia, do you mean, like, a bleep?”

     “Um. Yeah. Like, if there’s an explicit version of a song…”

     “…You want to bleep out the words, right?”

This is my eleven-year-old daughter. She wants to download songs from iTunes to put on her beloved iPod Mini. But she’s concerened, because some of the songs she wants, like several from Green Day’s American Idiot are explicit. She can’t get the clean versions, but she wants the songs.

This is where the dichotomy lies. Because on the one hand, there’s my little girl. She’s thinking, simple problem, simple solution. Solve the problem. Don’t be defeated. Don’t be afraid to change things to make them work the way you want.

On the other hand — hell. How on earth can she be related to me with an attitude like that about four letter words?

Now I just gotta find a simple sound file editor that can do what she wants, and see if she’s willing to listen to the words long enough to get the bleeps in the right place…