Category: humor

If you woke up…

Karl ElvisLeave a comment

I found this in someone’s livejournal, and it made me giggle.      If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought? So, you know, tell me. What would it be? Those of you who have actually woken up in bed with me need not answer, and-you-know-who-you-are.

I found this in someone’s livejournal, and it made me giggle.

     If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?

So, you know, tell me. What would it be?

Those of you who have actually woken up in bed with me need not answer, and-you-know-who-you-are.

Hit It List

Karl ElvisLeave a comment

Ok, here’s my list of Celebrities I’d Fuck In no particular order (because, you know, how can you choose?), and off the top of my head (ten more will jump on this list in my head as soon as I click ‘publish’): Salma Hayek, Lindsay Lohan, Monica Bellucci, Cynthia Ettinger (Rita Sue on Carnivale), Alison […]

Ok, here’s my list of Celebrities I’d Fuck

In no particular order (because, you know, how can you choose?), and off the top of my head (ten more will jump on this list in my head as soon as I click ‘publish’):

Salma Hayek, Lindsay Lohan, Monica Bellucci, Cynthia Ettinger (Rita Sue on Carnivale), Alison Hannigan (This one time, in band camp. Need I say any more?), Chloe Sevigny, Christina Aguilera (I pretend to be sorry for this one), Heather Locklear (I’ve actually met her and you know, she’s still fucking yummy), Queen Latifah, Emily Browning, Keira Knightley.

Even though I can’t quite order them all, Hayek, Lohan and Browning are pretty much in a dead heat for first. Actually, why not all at once? Hmmm…

Your Turn, Kids!

(Yeah I know that’s eleven. I just remembered Keira. I love her…)

Celebrity (Can’t Print This Word) List

Karl Elvis9 Comments

Tim Goodman of SFGate talks about his “Top 10 Celebrity (Can’t Print This Word) List“. By which he means, of course, Top 10 Celebrity FUCK List. Tim, if you can’t say it… A lot of the article above is about Jennifer Garner, who I have to say does very little for me aside from a […]

Tim Goodman of SFGate talks about his “Top 10 Celebrity (Can’t Print This Word) List“. By which he means, of course, Top 10 Celebrity FUCK List. Tim, if you can’t say it…

A lot of the article above is about Jennifer Garner, who I have to say does very little for me aside from a casual I’d hit it. She’s ok. Cute, but not particularly memorable for me. But I figured, if Goodman’s coming out with his top ten, there’s a good blog game.

Here’s Tim Goodman’s list:

1. Audrey Tautou. 2. Halle Berry. 3. Salma Hayek. 4. Any actress or anchor on Telemundo. 5. Joan Chen 6. Scarlett Johansson. 7. Jennifer Garner. 8. Evangeline Lilly. 9. Alicia Keys. 10. Sophie Okonedo.

Now I’m gonna have to think about this a bit. Hayek is on my list, darn tootin’, but I’m not sure any of those other names are (To be honest, I don’t even know who two of those names are).

I’m limiting this to people you’d do now. No going back to the 60’s to do Ursula Andress; as much as that thought makes me (literally) start to salivate, I’m sticking with people you’d hit today given carte blanche.

And to make it interesting, you don’t have to limit this to people of legal age. Let’s see who’s not afraid.

Ok? Go. Points if you have more than one gender on your list.

My list to be posted shortly.

Waiter Rant

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Ok, Ray pointed this out and then Andie demanded I read it. Waiter Rant rules. Why oh why do people like Dr. Zamir think it’s ok to do the sand-in-the-vaseline trick to thier servers and then ask for special treatment? Special treatment is for special people, and unless you’re god or the president or the […]

Ok, Ray pointed this out and then Andie demanded I read it.

Waiter Rant rules.

Why oh why do people like Dr. Zamir think it’s ok to do the sand-in-the-vaseline trick to thier servers and then ask for special treatment? Special treatment is for special people, and unless you’re god or the president or the hottest celeb in town, special means people who treat servers with respect.

Say please. Say thank you. Say thank you to the busboy who cleans up your fucking mess. Say thank you to the food runner who carries all that heavy shit to your table. Say thank you to the cocktail person. Say thank you EVEN IF THEY FUCK IT UP.

Servers work fucking hard. It’s a rough job.

Read more “Waiter Rant”

Liv Wrong

Karl ElvisLeave a comment

Ok, so I got my bracelet. Here, modeled by Olivia, my eleven year old daughter, who sniped the fucking thing before I even had a chance to put it on. You know, she’s such a prim little goody two-shoes I expected this to offend her. In fact, I was counting on it. Instead, she wants […]

Ok, so I got my bracelet. Here, modeled by Olivia, my eleven year old daughter, who sniped the fucking thing before I even had a chance to put it on.

Liv Wrong-1

You know, she’s such a prim little goody two-shoes I expected this to offend her. In fact, I was counting on it. Instead, she wants to be the very first one in her class to sport, not the yellow livestrong or the pink breast cancer or the lame support our troops, but the black LIVEWRONG bracelet.

Maybe this is it. Maybe she’s turned the corner and joined the family.

The thing is, we’re proud as hell of her. She’s kind, friendly, just made honor roll in her school.

But as we always say, we sort of planned on having Wednesday Addams. We wound up with Marilyn Munster.

But there’s hope for for her yet, I think, to get in touch with her inner evil.

Pardon Me For Being Forward

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I know everyone’s already seen this but I just spent half a day trying to remember where so just make sure I have a reference, plus to share it with those who’ve never seen it: Just a note to let you know: I already saw it. That forward? I got it. I’ve gotten it. I […]

I know everyone’s already seen this but I just spent half a day trying to remember where so just make sure I have a reference, plus to share it with those who’ve never seen it:

Just a note to let you know:

I already saw it.

That forward? I got it. I’ve gotten it. I do not wish to keep receiving it. I was neither moved nor inspired. It was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, and chagrined by the United States Government. I do not marvel at how inexpensive things used to be, nor am I astonished that kids today don’t know about things that happened before they were born.

That’s from an Anil Dash piece, Pardon Me For Being Forward. Send it to the next person who sends you something incredibly stupid. But not to me, I’ve already seen it.

So deeply wrong

Karl ElvisLeave a comment

This is so deeply wrong I don’t quite know what to say. It’s a phony VW ad from the UK. The clip takes a while to load. And it’s just… So very wrong. Damned funny though! Edit: Thanks to Stan for clarifying that it’s not really a VW add. Snopes is our friend.

This is so deeply wrong I don’t quite know what to say.

Wrong

It’s a phony VW ad from the UK. The clip takes a while to load. And it’s just… So very wrong. Damned funny though!

Edit: Thanks to Stan for clarifying that it’s not really a VW add. Snopes is our friend.

And some fuckin’ coffee.

Karl ElvisLeave a comment

I was looking for something else entirely, and found this. No idea who drew it but damn it makes me laugh. This is from http://www.stickergiant.com, and what I was actualkly looking for was this:

I was looking for something else entirely, and found this.

Fuckers

No idea who drew it but damn it makes me laugh.

This is from http://www.stickergiant.com, and what I was actualkly looking for was this:

God

Booting a Dead Badger

Karl ElvisLeave a comment

This is deeply fucking strange. Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User’s Notes Let’s face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat on a Compaq, his mom’s toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing earns you geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if you […]

This is deeply fucking strange.

Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User’s Notes

Let’s face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat on a Compaq, his mom’s toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing earns you geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if you really want to earn your wizard hat, just read the following instructions, and soon your friends will think you’re slick as caffeinated soap.

Minimum Installation Requirements:

1. one (1) pocketknife
2. one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4. below)
3. computer with:

  • CD drive
  • USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless networking card
  • Telnet or SSH client installed
  • cyberspiritual controller program such as FleshGolem (Mac OS X and Linux), Phranken (Windows 98, ME, 2000), or ItzaLive (Mac OS 8.1-9.x and Amiga)

[ . . . . ]
7. privacy
8. one (1) dead badger, good condition

Ok, so the exact obscure geek oddity of this will be lost on many. But it busts me up.